It is hard to admit that you need to change. When you are in it – work is busy, being a mom is busy, holding things down at home is busy. I had always been active, but I found myself drifting farther and farther away from that healthy, active lifestyle and justifying the decline with “things are busy,” or “there will be more time when…” Beric was 9 years old, starting to get more and more into riding his bike by taking up lessons at the velodrome and riding to school. On rides, we were still having fun. But more often it was becoming a challenge to keep up. I was huffin’ and puffin’ at the back, thinking it was just the way it was as I got older and he grew up and got faster.
The Accidental Catalyst
The photos from the last trip before I officially started training are super disappointing. I had gained a lot of weight and was not really fit enough to feel comfortable or confident or even have fun on the bike anymore. The idea of fun was in my head – of course I was out in nature, spending time with the people I love most doing something that energized them. But in my heart the light had burned out. Riding was making me feel weak, self conscious, defeated. The disappointing part was I was complicit, resigned to the fact that I was getting left behind and placing blame on getting older — taking zero ownership of my agency over the change. I actively resisted the thought that I could change it and just sunk into sadness caused by the loss of something I thought was going to be a binding factor in our family.
I can’t say that I had this amazing revelation that all I needed to do was change my mindset, put in the work, commit to myself. But I did do thing that I do from time to time….I got a bee in my bonnet. A little bug in my brain that was like “you are staring down 50 years old (it was 5 years away) you need a target. I like targets, I like deadlines – and there was one in front of me! Not thinking about all the secret loss I was feeling, the dark cloud that was hovering over me because I couldn’t keep up, I decided I needed to train to do something when I was 50. I dove two feet in on a mission to see where training, like really training, could put me in five years.
Four years into the project that began with the hope of reaching nationals by the age of 50, reality has set in. Nationals should have never been the goal, let’s get real I don’t have the natural talent or depth of experience to be competitive at nationals. And we all know, being competitive is the fun part. But reflecting on the changes in my body, mind, and family relationships, I realize the gains have been immense.
When I outlined my goals to my coach in those first few months of training, it was three things:
- Be on a Team – ok that was a weird one and more on it later, but hey you are here reading a blog on my team’s website.
- Race Master’s Nationals – well…that needed a little more nuanced assessment really before setting it as a 5 year goal.
- Do it all, while being the best working mom possible.
What this is all about
That third goal is where this team was born. DFA2 Racing may never be anything more than just Beric and me riding together, showing up at races, and wearing the same kit. Realistically, maybe that’s where it ends. But what that kit represents will always be much bigger than the size of the team. It represents the journey I’ve been on over the last five years. It represents me as a mom, showing up for my son and helping him chase his dreams. It represents me as an athlete, committing to a lofty goal and discovering just how far I can push myself. And most importantly, it represents us—choosing to do this together and holding onto a way of connecting that has become incredibly meaningful to both of us.
Maybe DFA2 Racing grows into something bigger someday. Maybe it doesn’t. Either way, I know what it already means: a son who inspired his mom to get stronger, a mom who decided to chase something of her own, and two people who found a pretty amazing way to share the joy of something they love.
